I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Randomize
