I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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