theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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