Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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