I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
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