Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
