my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
