I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
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