im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
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