how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Randomize
