I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
