Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
