i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Randomize
