on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
