This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
