Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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