She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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