God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
if only i could text you this smell
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
