don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Randomize
