i'm lost and i look like a hooker
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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