um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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