she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
where are my eyebrows?
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
