i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
