She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
