I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
I think I just sharted jello shots
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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