Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Randomize
