you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
