My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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