i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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