It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
bring money and cleavage
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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