Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Randomize
