never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
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