there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
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Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
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I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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