Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize
