i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
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on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
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I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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