This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
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