I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
