no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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