and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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