Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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