My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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