Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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