Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Randomize
