My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
