I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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