woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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