There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
