im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
soo... how was my night?
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