you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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