I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
