R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
Randomize
