Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
This house was built for laser tag.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize