You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize
