I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
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