I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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